Pay It Forward

One of the hardest things for me to do is ask and accept help when I need it. When I found out I was pregnant with triplets, I realized I would need help with day-to-day activities, but didn't understand the extent I would need it. While I was pregnant, we were fortunate enough to have different family members spend weeks at our house, helping me take care of Jack and keeping the house in order. This would include making meals, grocery shopping and other errands and cleaning (yes, even our bathrooms--only a person who truly cares about you will clean your bathroom without being paid) and other things as well. I would feel guilty sitting on the couch while others around me would be doing "my job". Let's face it, I am a stay-at-home mom, these are my responsibilities. I would take comfort in the fact that once I delivered these babies, I would be able to manage the household without having to lean on those around me so much. Boy was I wrong. In the last few weeks, I have struggled with thinking I cannot do this alone and I am still asking and receiving so much support. Friends are dropping off multiple meals and arranging play dates for Jack, family members are still visiting us and helping now with the triplets and Jack and we are still in very much need of all this help.



When I learned I was pregnant with triplets, I have found and spoken to many different people with multiples. Some with twins, some with triplets, and all have been helpful in talking with me about how to organize and manage our lives with these babies. In the first few weeks after my first ultrasound, I spoke with a mother of triplets that is a friend of a good friend of mine. She and her husband and babies lived at the time in a northern suburb of Chicago, but moved last summer. Her triplets were about 6 months old the first time I talked to her. She was and still is a huge resource of information for me. I love talking with her and sharing stories of our pregnancies and hearing about her children who happen to be exactly one year older than our triplets. I remember her telling me how she loved to be able to talk with me to help me prepare for the babies and be able to share her experiences to help someone else out. She talked about how people were so generous to her family and she wanted to be able to give back to other moms of multiples. I understand her completely now. I cannot begin to explain how generous people have been to us. My family gave me a shower before the babies were born and we received much needed baby items. Our freezer is full of dinners and we have more people asking to bring dinner to us. My neighbor organized people on our block to bring us meals for 3 weeks! My other neighbor knocked on our door this summer and brought down baby gear she was done using--two bouncy chairs, two exersaucers, a travel bassinet, a Baby Bjorn carrier and swing. Our friends have brought over dinner on more than one occasion, bake us cookies and cakes, came over in a pinch to help watch the babies and play with Jack, as well as have been an emotional support during difficult times. They also threw a shower for me and we left the shower with so many wonderful and much needed gifts. We have over 20 volunteers from our church that have offered to help us in many different ways. And, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their children have been there for us from the beginning, watching Jack--sometimes for entire days and going out of their way to make sure they are there to help us on Thursdays when our nanny isn't here. Plus, other mother of multiples have handed us baby items often using the same statement that they are just happy to see the items go to help out another mother with multiples.



Jack has been in preschool now for the last three weeks. After class, he likes to "play for a few minutes" on the playground. I like to let him do this since picking up and dropping him off from preschool are one of the few moments we have together without the babies. There are usually a few others from his class playing as well. Last Wednesday, while sitting on the bench watching Jack, a mother from his class sat down next to me with an infant. I watched the baby suck on her pacifier and take it out and put it back in her mouth. My girls can't keep their pacifiers in their mouths, and this becomes a problem, especially at night when they wake up and I have put the pacifier back into their mouths. I began to talk with this lady and asked how hold her baby was. She told me seven months. I made a comment about how I wish my girls could hold their pacifiers. She heard the "s" on "girls" and asked me if I had twins. I told her they were triplets. She looked at me and explained she has two children--one in Jack's class and this little girl. Both children were adopted and she and her husband were facing a decision. The birth mother and father of her older sibling are having another baby next month and they asked this family to adopt him/her. She was feeling overwhelmed because of her seven month old, and at the same time she was struggling with the fact that if she adopted this baby, it would be a full biological sibling to her son. She had been praying to God to help her with her decision. In the three weeks of preschool, I had never talked to her and just happened to strike up a conservation with her that day. She asked me how I was managing with the kids after she shared her story. She even commented on how great I looked and "not tired" and put together I am (this must have been a good morning for me...and the girls must have slept some the night before). When this mother expressed concern that she would not be able to spend enough time with her seven month old, I shared with her a comment that had been told to me while I was pregnant from another mom of twins, "you are giving your children the best possible gift--a sibling". I felt the same way about Jack when I was pregnant with the triplets--how am I going to spend time with him, and how will he adjust to sharing me with three other children? That comment from that mother to me has stuck with me and given me comfort. This preschool mother told me that talking and meeting me that day must have been what she has been praying for.



I saw this women two days later and she told me they were going to adopt the sibling. I really think she had made up her mind before meeting me, but needed some encouragement that she could handle it. I told her about our help we have received, our family, friends and nanny who make our lives easier. She asked me about how I organize things and how we found our nanny and I began to talk with her the way that others talked with me while I was pregnant. And I hope I helped out this family in some small way so I can begin to pay back those that have helped us. And I hope this is only the beginning. I hope I can continue to help other mothers as well.